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My Niqab Story
I’d always looked at the niqaab as something oppressive. Why should a woman have to cover her face and dress around looking like death? In fact, now I wish I could turn back the hands of time. Many times i've discouraged pious sisters from making such a hasty move and wearing niqaab, if only I could go back and explain the beauty it holds for me. People think of me as a feminist and to an extent I am. What I never realised was that Islam recognises women as equal to men but it does that extra thing, it recognises they are different. Different but equal, Subhnallah! The other day I was just reading the news about the training exercises in the army. The exercises are the same for both male and female in an attempt to show equality between the genders, but what they have just realised is that women are more likely to become hurt or suffer from injuries. they didn’t take in that they are not the same! It was this idea that made me think of hijaab and to an extent both the jilbaab and niqaab. My parents had a sort of neutral view of hijaab they neither encouraged nor discouraged. In some ways it made the decision more difficult, at the time I was 13 and I was still heavily dependant my parents opinions. I know that if they had discouraged me I would have probably left it till a lot later and in that sense I’m grateful that they gave me the freedom to make the choice. Hijaab was the beginning I know held the identity of a muslimah. Funnily enough, people began to question me about Islam a lot more after that, friends suddenly became more interested and would often ask me things I had no knowledge about. The hijaab was my step into discovering Islam at a deeper level and the more I read the more I was inspired by the words of Allah the more my love for Islam grew. Gradually, years later I decided to wear the jilbaab. I told myself I would start on a particular date the following month, but I couldn’t wait and I ended up wearing the jilbaab days earlier for the first time at a wedding. Lol, subhnallah I came in with a black jilbaab with all these bright colours surrounding me. I was both nervous and scared but I was also excited, this is what I wanted to do. I’ve never been one to consider what others think of me, except for close friends and family. Alhamdulilah my friends all responded positively and apart from some comments, my jilbaab didn’t affect our relationship at all. My family is another story, subhnallah my mum thought I was joking as I came out of the house with it on. My sister asked if I was going to wear niqaab next. And even though my dislike of niqaab had come to an end, I could never imagine myself in one. Alhamdulilah my parents never stopped me and were at first slightly hesitant but after a while became more supportive. I however loved it, it was beautiful. It’s a feeling you can’t put into words. I can honestly say I felt liberated and free. Away from mans desires it was and it still is a beautiful experience, and inshallah something that I will always wear. even at home I don’t want to take it off lol 
. Six months later niqaab just appealed to me, it happened so gradually I didn’t even notice. I just saw niqaabi’s and thought mashallah. Respect and awe filled me compared to pity and disappointment I used to feel for them. To the astonishment of my friends I became a lot less opposessed to the idea of niqaab. This loud mouth sis who would refuse to wear niqaab suddenly thinking about it. As time passed it became a big issue and I began to hint out my wish of wearing it to my parents. Comments like “wait a little while your too young” etc slowed me down. But being the person I am, after a month or two I began to become restless and on the first day of Ramadan I decided to put it on. A while before then I had asked permission and got a no, this time I did not expect a different answer. The only change was that I was more determined but not determined enough to go against their wishes. So that night I asked again making it clear that I intended to wear it and there was a large argument. My parents exploded, my sister thought I was turning into an extremist and apart from my kid brother who bravely said “mum, dad let her please, she’s gonna be one of those cool ninjas!” (Or something to that effect lol), I had no one else to turn to. The result, I refused to leave the house while they went out for dinner. But strong as I may be the determination and power I had didn’t last. Within a few weeks I cooled down and began to leave the house and go out. The niqaab idea was not going to be tolerated in this house; I might as well forget it. But I guess you can call me stubborn, even with me not being allowed the idea still played around at the back of my mind. A month or so later I began to talk to a sister and she advised and counselled me on what I should do. Slowly, I began to hint out the niqaab again and this time with more and more determination. I was more straightforward, I think they finally realised that I wasn’t going to give up it was something I felt strongly about. Finally the day came when I spoke to them, once again I asked permission in the same way and got the same reply only this time I made it clear that I would wear it with or without their permission. I have never said anything, which would be considered rude or disrespectful like that before, and I was shocked at myself. My voice was calm and I sounded incredibly determined but inside I was shaking and scared. The atmosphere was tense, which was quite a contrast to the usual comfortable way we speak to each other. The answer this time was another simple no, no reason, no explanation. It was out of order; their little daughter was turning into an extremist she was becoming too “in” with religion. It was unnatural, how could this have happened to her? Subhnallah, I don’t totally blame them, any other parent would react in the same way if they felt their daughter was turning into a fundamentalist. As it was, I began to wear niqaab the next day; I just put it on in the back of the car on my way to madressah. They didn’t even notice and then when I reach mosque I left so quick they weren’t given the chance. My mum picking me up after class realised but didn’t comment. My dad however found out later as I sort of put it on at the end of the road while going out and then took it off at the end when coming back, but I think my mum probably spoke to him. It was pretty difficult for me in a sense; since I was nervous and scared about wearing it and at the same time I had the burden of knowing I was going to go against my parents wishes. Even the slight portrayal of me being nervous in front of my family would be enough for them to stop me. So whilst trying to cope with my own fears I also had to put on a false front that everything was going smoothly and pretending to be totally fine. Moreover, I was slightly worried about my friends’ reaction. The jilbaab had made little difference but a niqaab is a big change. But alhamdulilah with the help of Allah the Almighty, and with Him on my side I went through with it.
Me donning the niqaab is rarely spoken about except for times when my friends parents come to congratulate me and my mum and when my parents lay down the laws on where and when I can and cant wear it. Its quite a contrast from the “don’t bother to say inshallah cuz its neva gonna happen” speech. I’m what people may call a part-time niqqabi but for me it’s a step in the right direction and inshallah I pray to Allah that He gives me the courage to wear it full time. I’ve been wearing it for a week and I can honestly say I love every bit of the niqaab. I realised that I was so influenced by the western way of thinking I wasn’t able to see the freedom and benefits. For the first time I realised what many new Muslims must be going through, the niqaab compared to converting to Islam is so petty yet I found it so difficult and it caused me so much stress. I can only imagine what others may be going through. Please pray for my parents and for all those who are experiencing difficulty in making that one step closer to Allah. And lastly, remember we are all a creation of Allah, one day we will return to Him and be answerable for our deeds.
Asalamu-alaikum, Your sister in Islam
